Dreams That Slip Away, Forever

....."I feel like everybody's standing around me watching me" 

I feel an ache in my bones, my stomach is turning and by the time she reaches the chorus, i have knot so big I'm afraid it will rip and my heart beats faster than it should.


Yeah the inevitable happened and sure why wouldn't it? Its not like i deserve any happiness, especially not this week. Aidan tells me that i have to pick myself up after and try my best to move on, but its difficult to pick up when there is someone/thing that will knock them down. The pieces can stay there until i know its safe....until i know I'm safe.

I know there is tons of other people worse of than me, and in much more pain than i am. The latter i can definitely account for. But I've never had such a bad year in my life....ever! This is someone whose had minimum 10 operations for three different reasons, before i was 10. Whose parents couldn't bare to be in the same room not even for me sometimes. Who lost an uncle, really suddenly and grandfather to cancer all in 18 months. Then school and all it had to offer me. Even there i was full with distraction and fighting my own demons about them distractions.


But this year has been the worst, too much has happened and i don't know how to cope with it properly. I know how I'm coping with it is wrong and i should stop, but i cant...its the only thing helping me. When i started college last year i was 73kg (near 11.5 stone) and this year I'm 63kg(just scraping 10 stone). I already had an unhealthy relationship with food, but this year just exacerbated it. I go to bed hungry some nights and I'm happy about that, planning to skip break fast and have very little dinner. Its not a pretty circle.

Also, I've been having these thoughts, not suicidal but i dunno self harm ones? Ill explain. Say if i see a car coming towards me, i think i wonder how much id be hurt if i stepped out. Not to kill myself but just enough to feel some pain other than I've been feeling. Same for a knife or i do be thinking about ways to break my arm or leg. I just think i want to stop feeling like i am right now...a distraction at my own expense.

So on that cherry note, I'll leave til next time. Off to text Aidan and Trevor till either one of them falls asleep....or i do!
~danis

PS I do apologize for the depressing post, would like to have a happy one. Fingers crossed til i do ;)