Who Needs Me..?

Before i start i don't want it to seem like every post i do, is a depressing "woe is me" post. I just have a lot of things to say and at the moment , they aren't all cheery and joyful

I know there is tons of people that have had truly traumatic things happen to them and are changed forever because if it. I'm not trying to say I'm like them, but I'm such a different person than i was last year. So much has happened to make me the person i am now. I don't like him very much.

I used to be the type of person who would be friendly with anyone, i wouldn't be the most popular person  but i had enough friends. I enjoy other peoples company as long as they're interesting. But now I'm kinda wary on becoming friends with anyone, like its better than being a loner but I'm always on my guard and look forward to getting away from them. I question why they would want to be friends with me, or I'm looking for whats in it for them. All they might want is a friendship, but it takes me a while to see that, they have some mental hoops to jump through. Even then I'm still wary.

This kind of steams of the above. But the people in my life, the ones i care about, they are the only ones now. No newcomers. No back trackers. I would let anyone in and they could stay for as long as they (or i) wanted. The only way to describe me now is like there is an actual wall round my heart. Those that are behind it are with me for keeps, those in front have a very long wait before i could even begin to consider letting them in.
There is two holes in the wall, from escapees. One isn't that big but still weakens the wall, its repairable. The other one is pretty big. Its threatening everything i hold dear and it might be possible that i need to reinforce it. Get a guard dog, maybe two. I need to protect myself, i cant let him back in. No matter what happens in the future you're never getting back in. Ever.

One small problem, there is a third person. He is very important to me and i don't think I'm in any worry of loosing him. But I'm scared i might. I don't think i could handle more loss, especially not him. I'm just clinging on as it is...and that's a struggle. Again i don't think i am in danger of it happening, but i thought that about the other two too.

I don't seem to care about my own welfare anymore, I'm looking for anyone near me for a bit of fun. I am willing to meet anyone, for anything. Like i was never into slagging round, but its nice to feel wanted and sex is always fun! I know i shouldn't be saying that, but i like putting myself out there. The attention i get back is something i cling to and don't want to let go! Its like a drug and i love it

I don't want to stay this cold, detached and uncaring person. I don't like them people. I want to be able to listen to someone talk and actually listen, to want to have an interest in them. How am i meant to find someone, if i feel like i cant trust anyone anymore.

~danis

Dreams That Slip Away, Forever

....."I feel like everybody's standing around me watching me" 

I feel an ache in my bones, my stomach is turning and by the time she reaches the chorus, i have knot so big I'm afraid it will rip and my heart beats faster than it should.


Yeah the inevitable happened and sure why wouldn't it? Its not like i deserve any happiness, especially not this week. Aidan tells me that i have to pick myself up after and try my best to move on, but its difficult to pick up when there is someone/thing that will knock them down. The pieces can stay there until i know its safe....until i know I'm safe.

I know there is tons of other people worse of than me, and in much more pain than i am. The latter i can definitely account for. But I've never had such a bad year in my life....ever! This is someone whose had minimum 10 operations for three different reasons, before i was 10. Whose parents couldn't bare to be in the same room not even for me sometimes. Who lost an uncle, really suddenly and grandfather to cancer all in 18 months. Then school and all it had to offer me. Even there i was full with distraction and fighting my own demons about them distractions.


But this year has been the worst, too much has happened and i don't know how to cope with it properly. I know how I'm coping with it is wrong and i should stop, but i cant...its the only thing helping me. When i started college last year i was 73kg (near 11.5 stone) and this year I'm 63kg(just scraping 10 stone). I already had an unhealthy relationship with food, but this year just exacerbated it. I go to bed hungry some nights and I'm happy about that, planning to skip break fast and have very little dinner. Its not a pretty circle.

Also, I've been having these thoughts, not suicidal but i dunno self harm ones? Ill explain. Say if i see a car coming towards me, i think i wonder how much id be hurt if i stepped out. Not to kill myself but just enough to feel some pain other than I've been feeling. Same for a knife or i do be thinking about ways to break my arm or leg. I just think i want to stop feeling like i am right now...a distraction at my own expense.

So on that cherry note, I'll leave til next time. Off to text Aidan and Trevor till either one of them falls asleep....or i do!
~danis

PS I do apologize for the depressing post, would like to have a happy one. Fingers crossed til i do ;)