Was in Dublin yesterday with Jen and was so good to see her again and to be back in the city, i think im having withdrawal symptoms. Im just getting so depressed with my life at the moment, i hate it so much. Know the bath scene in "Nightmare On Elm Street"? I would love that to happen right about now...i just wish there was a hole i could crawl into and die. I dont want to feel anymore, i want to be numb, i want to go back to when my greatest worry was "Did I bring that book home from school??" I hate feeling like this and i want to feel something other than that sicking feeling in the pit of my stomach every time i walk past Deb's house, or see a post van in case Pauls in it, or every time i see my friends moving forward with their lives and im stuck in this hell whole that is my life!!
And i know its scary to think these things but so many times i have thought, i wonder how much it would hurt if that car hit me, or if maybe a little cut will take my mind of everything. I know they sound like suicidal thoughts, but they're not, its just me wanting to stop feeling the way i do...i want to feel something other than dread and uncertainty. I want to stress i am not thinking about or attempting to do myself in, i just have these thoughts now and again...ugh it just seems that anything that could go wrong, has!
Like at the moment i have three weeks off from college and have a so many assignments to do; Law, Safety & Health, Maths, Lab Tech and im sure theres more but i have no motivation to want to do them and the repercussions i will face if i dont still dont faze me. Just talking to my friends, they seem to be moving a light speed while i trundle along doing nothing, achieving nothing.
As for the DAP situation, theres nothing happening..more is happening in my appendix than with paul (and im appendix-less!) At the moment, he is a judge on this years Cavan's Got Talent...what the fuck is he at? If he has enough free time to be judging a bunch of amateur singers in a stupid show, he has tie to work on his marriage! Does he not realize what effect his actions have on us?? Im not trying to make this about me, but i had two parents (mam and dad) who weren't married and most of the time couldnt stand in the same room together and that was fine-ish. See it was fine(ish) because i had my other parents (deb and paul) and they were married, they loved each other and even though they had no kids, i (along with two other cousins) were the closest thing to that. Then he goes and shits all over that and ruins my life! Im not saying he should stay if hes unhappy, but if you leave to think about it...fucking think about it dont do a show and act like nothings wrong! Everything is wrong and its because of you and you are the only person that can fix it!
I feel trapped here, there is no escape and doesnt look like anyone's coming to help!
My routine seems destined to be: 1) Get up 2)College 3)Come Home 4)Enjoy Own Company 5)See Deb 6)Bed and repeat
You may think why dont i do anything about it, i cant! I had always gone to deb's, and now if i dont then no one does...i cant have her by herself for that long. I have all this responsibility and i dont want any of it. The highlight of my day (as weird as it sounds) is bed cos its my place, no one wants me, no one needs me and i can do whatever i want. And of course its usually the place i talk to very special people who take me away from all this drama and make me forget how i really feel inside. They are real friends and as messed up as they think they are, they help me so much and i am forever grateful :) You know who you are...Thank you<3
Thats enough for now i think, did have some news about college and what im planning but that can wait til next time. But i will tell you this, the one person i worry about leaving, would be the one person actually telling me to go for it...so maybe i will. More about it later..
~danis
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